CHURCH POPULARITY SOARS!

The popularity of The Church of Sycophantology is soaring among Republican supporters of Our Heroic President. 
Church officials report ad hoc church meetings in the back stairways of Congress, and prayer vigils in the bushes outside the White House. 

A special evening of Cabinet members, organized by the church, was held at a glamorous Trump resort. Outside of the the prying eyes of the press, Cabinet members recited Church prayers, sang Church hymns, and chatted with influential criminal defense attorneys. 

"Of critical importance is the need to perpetuate the Church's values in government. Government without sycophantology is unthinkable. Now more than ever, we must maintain the pretension of honesty and integrity while protecting, in whatever way and at whatever cost, Our Sycophantic President-in-Chief. The law be damned!" stated our Distinguished AG Barr. 

At the end of the dinner party, the church passed around the collection box. Some attendees, accustomed to dealing in cash, dropped wades of laundered bills into the box while others wrote promissory notes for government grants. 

What a great spiritual renewal for the Grand Old Republican Party .

THE CHURCH OF SYCOPHANTOLOGY ASKS: #4

Why does the mainstream press continue to promote the falsehood that Our President is "a team of one?"
Today's NYT headline, "Impeachment Strategy? A One-Man War Room," obscures the true facts.

Our Dear President is an Involver-in-Chief. Take his latest Ukraine gambit. Didn't Our Dear One call on the services of Legal Wiz Rudy and his firm; AG Barr and his DOJ crew; Department of Secretary Pompeo and his loyal aides; and even quiet but faithful Vice Pres Pence? And what about all the White House staff who are tasked with hiding his secret communications? After all, Our Donald doesn't do the xeroxing all by himself. 

"Hey everybody! I'm about to make a great, great telephone call. Come listen to how a perfect telephone call to a chief- of-state is made," are the words that frequently echoes through the halls of the White House. Our Sharer-in-Chief invites not just to his hardworking but less capable Cabinet members but whoever happens to be around. 

Isn't this proof that Our Dear President sincerely wishes to share responsibility?

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SYCOPHANTIC EDEN IS NOW!

Recent press reports of dissent within the Church of Sycophantology are greatly exaggerated. Yes, there is a small group of heretics who are making some noise. Contrary to Church dogma and the beneviolent wisdom of the Church elders, these rebels think that it is time to flush  
Our Greatest President down the age-old drain. 

LET IT BE KNOWN that The Church hierarchy emphatically rejects this false doctrine. We are living in a Sycophantic Eden, so let’s get behind our Sycophantic Savior and not eat the forbidden fruit of false news.

These infidels reason that DJT’s overinflated ego is expanding minute-by-minute with the result that he is becoming a sloppy, pathetic loser unworthy of sheparding our spiritual flock. Instead of greatness and audacity, Our Shining Light has become a broken vinyl record who boasts he can muscle the Democrats, Congress and the Rule of Law aside without any serious repercussions. Our Mob Boss President, they argue, is banking on these guys being easy pushovers.

Also, at the crux of their beliefs is the idea that Our Brilliant Leader is endangering their wellspring. Our church teachings emphasize grabbing whatever you can, when you can. However, if one grabs too much, the whole enterprise may collapse. DJT’s reckless behavior, they argue, may cause the church innocent to suffer unjustly.

Hear Ye! Hear Ye!

Sycophants of the world unite to save our Golden Haired Angel. In his duplicity, we have plundered and pillaged our great nations. In his mendacity, he has diluted the word “truth” with the ardor of a saint. Thanks to our Saintly President his faithful followers embrace every lie he lovingly utters. Words don’t matter. Facts don’t matter. Deeds don’t matter.

Our Leader Preys on you, Pray for him. 

Bless Our Leader's faithful friends in Russia. They stand by his side, and look forward to our next free election.

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THE EARLY BIRD STEALS THE ELECTION

Our Early Bird President is on the job, and the official election hasn't even officially begun. He learned from the last election, that you have got to get your foreign friends busy well before the suckers vote. Selling voters nonesense takes time. 

If the Ukraine wants our bucks then why shouldn't they help reelect the guy who signs the check? Not every country can give it away gratis the way Russia does.

No wonder that our Greatest Cheater is worshipped by our Church faithful. He will, with a clear conscience and straight face, cheat, lie, extort, and defame anyone and everyone to win reelection. 

What greater honor is there than to serve oneself while lying about serving the country you profess to love? 
Who wouldn't bend the rules if losing meant jail time?

No need now to be concerned about the law. AG Barr, a distinguished member of our flock, has Our Cheater-in-Chief's back. And despite what people say about "equal justice," Our Dear Boy cannot be touched.

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PICKING ON KAVANAUGH AGAIN?

The Church of Sycophantology (www.churchofsycophantology.com) suspects that the recent attack on Brett Kavanaugh's legitimacy is an illegal and dangerous assault on Americans' Constitutional right to freely practice their religion. No surprise here: Brett is an important member of the Church's lay ministry, and is much admired by the Church's beer drinking acolytes.

"We make a religion of deceit and kissing ass." This is the foundation stone of Church doctrine. This creed is what we preach, believe, and live by. Brett's should be honored, not vilified, for his faithful adherence to the Church's teaching.

So why is Brett being singled out for persecution by non-believers? Treachery. We believe there is a small but powerful group of non-believers or heretics who want to weaken or destroy our sacred church. Why destroy this holy institution? So they can point to their own "goodness" and grab power for themselves. Get rid of devout Brett and put in his place a Church of Sycophantology enemy or agnostic instead.

These church enemies will learn they have more to gain by being in the Church than out. That is why we call on all Church supporters, especially those in the Congress and the White House, to support Brett against the infidels.

Here is Brett at this faithful best, as he swears to OUR Church's GOD: (Post. 9/16/2019):

During his committee testimony, Kavanaugh was unwavering in his dismissal of the claims.

“None of these allegations are true?” Sen. John Neely Kennedy (R-La.) asked then.

“Correct,” Kavanaugh replied.

“No doubt in your mind?” Kennedy said.

“Zero,” Kavanaugh said. “I’m 100 percent certain."

“Not even a scintilla?” Kennedy pressed.

“Not a scintilla; 100 percent certain, Senator,” Kavanaugh said.

“You swear to God?” Kennedy asked.

Kavanaugh agreed.

“I swear to God.”

COS STAFF OVERWHELMED

AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO THE FAITHFUL
The Church of Sycophantology would like to take this opportunity to complain to its faithful faithless followers that its staff is completely overwhelmed with new members, and is unable to keep-up with the flood of postitive news emanating from the halls of government and the masterful mind of our Sweet Tweeter in Chief.
We will make every effort to keep you, our flock, informed but be aware, events are outstripping our capacity to stay abreast of the glorious news.
KISS UP, KICK DOWN.

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EXCLUSIVE! SECRET WH WEATHER COMMUNIQUE

SECRET WH COMMUNIQUE LEAKED TO CHURCH OF SYCOPHANTOLOGY
As per this secret White House communique, my old neighborhood of East New York, Brooklyn, was in the direct path of Hurricane Dorian. This communique was leaked to the Church of Sycophantology by a WH informant who came across it in the President's private toilet. Admittedly, this throws the document into some question. What was it doing in his toilet? Is it authentic or was the President using it for other reasons, like bathroom reading or to dry a puddle? Perhaps the truth will never be known but thankfully the hurricane skirted ENY, making the map inconsequential.

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OUR GREATEST WEATHER FORECASTER IS IN THE WHITE HOUSE

THE CHURCH OF SYCOPHANTOLOGY APPLAUDS OUR GREATEST WEATHER FORECASTER

"Eventually it will rain in Alabama," is a scientifically accurate weather prediction that our Sunny Day President realized when he warned Americans of the hurricane Dorian's possible impact on Alabama. 

Our Suntanned President understands the interconnectedness of weather systems. Rain today, next week or even next year is intricately connected to past and future storms and hurricanes. It's one large, complicated weather system.

No other President has studied earthly weather with the ferocity of our Weatherman in Chief. Every day, before golfing, he scans the horizon, searching for the sun or approaching clouds. Ever see him holding an umbrella? Beforehand, he knows when it will rain, and stays indoors to watch his favorite shows on TV. 

Praise Our Good Weather President. He turned Hurricane Dorian northeast, and made it into a drizzle.



BOLTON IS OUT!


"OBEDIENCE IS TRUST." OFFICIAL CHURCH DOCTRINE

"Bolton is out, proving blind loyalty to a narcissist never works"

In the strongest terms, The Church of Sycophantology objects to the false morality that informs this headline in today's Washington Post.

If Mr. Bolton was blindly loyal as stated by The Post, he would have obeyed our Church's sacred dictum: OBEDIENCE IS TRUST.

Again and again and again, time has proven to the world that Our Greatest President is always right, about everything. Obviously (except for Mr. Bolton), it is the job of Our President's aides to implement his brilliant policies, not to disagree with them. 

Loyalty is not offering alternative ideas or policies. That is disloyalty, and even worse, it is wasting our Leader's precious time. Our Leader doesn't need Bolton's half-baked escapades and wars. He has other, more important, issues to deal with.

It is The Church's position that true loyalty is providing Our Loving Leader with additional income by booking rooms and parties at his incredible, lush hotels, and by helping him find more time to jaunt and sport on one his many great golf courses.

And one need not say, OBEY.

HURRICANE DORIAN FALSIFIERS BECOME NEWEST CHURCH SAINTS

TRUMP HURRICANE FALSIFIERS ARE INDUCTED INTO CHURCH OF SYCOPHANTOLOGY HALL OF SAINTS

The Church of Sycophantology welcomes its newest Trump Administration acolytes to its Flock of Saints. They have shown themselves devout followers of one the Church's most sacred Commandments, "Deceive Through Trust." In one brave gesture, these blessed ones have undermined the nation's trust in our Government's system of weather forecasting, and in science. 
"Suck up, Go Up." 
WPost, 9/8/19: NOAA staff warned in Sept. 1 directive against contradicting Trump 
"Acting NOAA administrator Neil Jacobs was involved in drawing up the statement (that the hurricane would hit Alabama) as was the NOAA director of public affairs, Julie Kay Roberts, who has experience in emergency management and worked on the president’s campaign.

The leadership of the Commerce Department, headed by Secretary Wilbur Ross, also approved the release, though Ross was out of the country at the time (playing golf, perhaps, at our Leader's glorious Golf Course?).



ALBANIA NOT ALABAMA

HE REALLY MEANT ALBANIA
Out of an excess of concern, our President lost track of facts. What he really meant was that Albania was threatened by Hurricane Dorian. Unfortunately, his staff gave him the map of southern US not southern Europe. The black magic marker line should have extended east across the Atlantic Ocean and the Mediterranean Sea.
Fortunately, our President made sure aid and assistance was sent to Albania where it is badly needed.

CHEAPSKATE ATTORNEY GENERAL

THE CHURCH OF SYCOPHANTOLOGY ASKS: #4
What favors can the Attorney General expect with a measly $30,000 gala at our Lord DJT's glamorous hotel? We applaud the AG's thrift but the Saudi princes and the NRA have already set the hotel bar at six digits. So Mr. AG, add a zero or find another Special Prosecutor Report to twist like a pretzel if you want to score with DJT or join this Church's big leagues. Sainthood don't come cheap.

DJT "HE IS AN ECONOMIC MIRACLE AT WORK"

At this critical moment of economic uncertainty, it is a blessing that
our brave President, Donald J. Trump, turns to faithful members of
The Church of Sycophantology for advice and comfort.

That is the mission of our church: to suck-up to the rich and powerful.
Our great leader will receive this sound advice: “You are a great, good genius so whatever you decide is the best decision possible.” This is our church’s
blessing.

Even doubters of our faith must by now know that our President was
chosen to be our leader, that he is the greatest seer that has ever lived, and
the most honest, truthful, always right politician that has ever walked on the face
of this globe or any planet in the Universe.

The Church loves him, and blesses the country that is lucky enough to be
in his power.

Given a referendum, Greenland would certainly join our country. They might
even change their country’s name to “Trumpland.”

TOP REPUBLICANS BUTTER-UP OUR DELECTABLE SAVIOR

WASHINGTON POST, SEPTEMBER 8, 2018

"The top two Republicans in Congress arrived at the White House this week armed with props aimed at flattering and cajoling President Trump out of shutting down the government at the end of this month...
The visual aids were a subtle but deft attempt to win over a president known to prefer visual imagery over wonky typed handouts, and eager to absorb flattery at a time when the White House is enveloped in chaos."

SUCK UP, GO UP.

 

THANK YOU, OUR BENEFICENT OLIGARCHS

Spoiled, ingrates! Americans don't appreciate the good work our wealthy oligarchs do for them and our entire nation. Where would our museums, hospitals and soup kitchens be without their generosity and the tax code? They even spend millions of dollars every year helping us elect the finest politicians our country has to offer. That’s a public service.
It took our Savior Donald to realize our oligarchs’ incredible contributions. That is why He gave them a tax cut last year. About time! Americans don’t realize what tax haven savvy lawyers charge on an hourly basis. Our Savior knows. And our Savior knows what our wealthy oligarchs must pay to create LLC legal entities so they can freely spend their tax free money (a Right that was mistakenly excluded from the Bill of Rights), money that makes all of us, even the poorest individual, richer. 
The Church of Sycophantology adores our generous oligarchs, and sings their praises with joy, reverence and full-throated thankfulness. 

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WE SING PRAISES TO OUR OLIGARCHIC MASTER

KISS UP, KICK DOWN. SUCK UP, GO UP.